2015 The Year of Great Adventures and Great Struggles

This is about that time of the year where everyone like to evaluate their life, see what goals they accomplished, and set new goals for the coming year. Even with social media, and everyone share their lives with each other, we don't always see the whole story. As I look back at 2015 I see a lot of pain and tears. But if you were to go back on my Facebook or my Instagram you would see my 2015 as a wonderful year, full of adventure and happiness. And it is true, much of that did happen and it was awesome. But it has, for me, been overshadowed. I know I am super dramatic, but this is a real pain for me and I will share something with you that only few people know, and that I have not been comfortable sharing. Until now.

Let's start with the joy and blessings that came with the year 2015. As you saw it.

My 2015 started out with Cole going on TDY and Kim returning home from her 3 month journey in Europe with us.

It was so much fun to be able to have her with us for the holidays! Oh they grow up so fast!

Cole returned home just in time for Valentine's day. And shortly after that I started my own Jamberry business! I had never done anything like this before, but I was just so excited and I absolutely love my nail wraps! 

                                               

At the end of April we took a Saturday trip for my birthday (which is in May). We went to Disneyland Paris! It was so cool, we had a bunch of fun, and I got some totally awesome stuff!

After that trip life started to get crazy. Our time in Germany was coming to an end, and it was bittersweet. We had made some wonderful memories, had awesome adventures, and made some incredible friendships.

                                         

We made the move at the end of July to New Mexico. Pretty much in the middle of nowhere. It definitely wasn't what we had expected, or even imagined, but we made it work. On the plus side, we are now closer to family. The 6 hour drive is actually not that bad, and one of the first things we did when we got there was BUY A CAR! Not any car a Subaru. And after having driven this car I think I will always buy Subaru.

I remember doing SO much research on what car would best fit our needs, and was something that we could afford. We also had to look really cool at the same time. I think we succeeded. 

We moved into our house in September, and we started talking about getting a dog. We have wanted a dog for years! And we finally lived in a place where we could get one. We made a plan to get one for Christmas, we knew we had a lot of traveling coming up and we didn't want to have to leave a dog with someone it didn't know. We had researched dogs, thinking we were going to get a German Shepard. But you know plans change. In October, I had see a post on a for sales page in the area for cute lab/boxer puppies! They were so adorable! I somehow convinced Cole that we should go see them in person. Little did I know that the next day we were going to come home with a dog! Luna has been my constant entertainment. She is the reason I get out of bed in the morning. I didn't want her to pee in the house. We are constantly surprised by how smart she has become. She quickly picked up doing tricks, sleeping in a crate, and getting potty trained. Walking on a leash has been a challenge, she just loves everything and everybody! She is my joy.

                                  

Later in October my mom and sister were able to come help me set up my house. My mom brought her 2 dogs, Toby and Tiberius. Toby could care less about Luna, but her and Tiberius quickly became best friends! Shortly after they returned home my younger sister, Kim, received her mission call. To Russia!!!  I was so happy that we lived close enough that we could see her go through the temple, and enjoy Thanksgiving with so many extended family members! I still can't believe she is going to Russia!

This year our 5 year wedding anniversary fell on Thanksgiving!! We decided to celebrate it in such a cool place! Disneyland of course!!! We had been planning this trip since Disneyland Paris. We had an absolute blast!! A big shout out to my mom and Kim who took care of Luna while we spent the week at Disneyland. That's right people, we went to 2 different Disneylands on 2 different continents in 1 year.

                                           

Cole, Luna and myself, returned home after a crazy adventure, and had a wonderful Christmas in our own home. Where it did in fact snow. Everywhere, but where we are. *sigh*

That leads us to here and now. The part where I share with you my constant battle, my everyday struggle. The one thing you didn't know that keeps me in pain. Yes, I am always the drama queen. But this is real, and this is important.

Cole and I had been trying to have kids for almost 4 years when I really wanted to figure out how we can make this happen. 2015 was going to be my year of awesomeness. I was going to be that cute pregnant girl that everyone adores. I just never thought this would happen to me.

In March I was put on medicine that was supposed to... let's just say, help. Needless to say, it did not. The beginning of June I went in and had a biopsy, it was an outpatient surgery. This was all done in a German hospital. I felt so great with everything! I was finally going to get answers, and figure out the best way to help me get pregnant. A week after the surgery I went in to get my stitches removed, and given the results. He told me the results before taking out my stitches, and I just couldn't really comprehend what was happening. I also didn't want to move while he was using a scalpel to remove the stitches from my belly button. As Cole was walking me to the car it hit me, and it hit me hard. I couldn't have kids. I couldn't get pregnant. I had dreamed of having kids since I was young, and it all shattered in a moment. I spent the next 2 weeks hiding away in my dark room, just crying. I couldn't face the world. I could barely comprehend this myself. Now, it's important for me to not here that not once did I lose my faith, or curse God, or anything like that. I had a lot of questions, and I was super confused, but all that came to mind when I prayed was this was not the path I needed to go. 

I am constantly devastated, and anxious about this. 2015 was not supposed to happen this way. But did I really know how it was all going to go down? No. To my friends out there you have kids, babies, or are currently pregnant, please don't think you posting pics or making you announcements effects me in anyway. I am stoked for you! Truly I am! Do I get all teary eyed and feel sorry for myself. From time to time. But I have that right to do so. I struggle all the time that it is going to come up, that I am going to be asked why I don't have kids because we have been married for so long. This gives me the biggest anxiety attacks, especially at church. I end up having migraines for days after an episode.

You should know that I am doing fine. Life is going well, and I don't necessarily feel haunted by the fact that I can't have kids. It was super stressful for both me and Cole trying to get pregnant. It's a little less stressful now.And for those of you thinking adoption, that is a ways down the road. We have Luna, who keeps us on our toes. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me that I just can't see. I am working on being ready for whatever he has in store for me. I saw this post this morning that just gave me such hope, and that I really do believe. And I will leave this here for you to ponder, and hopefully it will help you as well.

I have no idea what 2016 will bring. Cole and I have our goals, but this time these are goals that we can actually control. The rest we leave up to our Father in Heaven. Here is to looking forward to the many blessings we will receive, and not looking back to the hurt that is behind us.

Love,

Katie