Honesty

The last time I posted something was at the start of the new year. And since then I have had a lot more downs than ups it seems. I still don't really understand this whole blog thing. What the point is, or even if there is one. But I just need to get my words out. Whether people actually read this or not. I don't need your sympathy, and I don't need advice on how to make it better. This is just me, Katie. Trying to let out what I have kept to myself.

I guess I should start with me leaving AZ. I had just made a lot of amazing relationships. I made some awesome friends that I was sure we would keep in touch, and it would be great. I was also very nervous going back home because I didn't feel like I had many, if any, real friends. I was going to be alone for awhile, until Cole came back home. And I was more nervous for that than anything else.

Here is where that honesty part comes in. This is where you can read, but again I don't need any sympathy or advice. Right now my life is amazing. This is just the story of the rough road it took to get here.

I had felt like Cole and I were drifting apart. Our life goals weren't really the same anymore. It worried me. We had been apart for 6 months, so I wasn't about to do anything without both of us getting back together first. I still love him after all. When we did get back together it was really hard. We got on each others nerves a lot! He was driving me crazy! I knew that all that was happening just didn't seem real. I prayed a lot, and new if I continued doing what I knew to be right it would get better. I was able to go to the temple shortly after he got home with some of the sisters in the ward. And that helped a bunch because I could really feel the Lord on my side. Cole and I have been able to figure somethings out and we are doing really well. We are taking baby steps but they are working. I love him so much like crazy, and with the months that followed I really needed him.

In the midst of this I was able to get out of the house at night (Cole and I didn't really see much of each other once he got back because I kept myself busy). I was in a musical on base. Willy Wonka Jr. It went really fantastic actually. I played Mrs. Bucket and sang Cheer Up Charlie. It went really well. Towards the end of the show right when life was getting good, that's when it all went down hill.

I had gotten a message from an old supervisor from Chick fil A he had contacted me to ask if I had gotten any information about what was going on with a friend and former co-worker Cole and I had at CFA. When I told him no, I went digging. I admit there are time when I am a Facebook stalker, okay. As it turned out he had passed away. I was shocked. I was hurt and I just felt pain in my stomach. As I looked at his Facebook page it got a little worse. A few weeks after his death he was supposed to get married. It threw me off. It just didn't seem real. I will admit we weren't the best of friends, but he was there during a very important part of my life. And that meant something.

A few days later I woke up to a bunch of texts from my mom and sister saying it was a family emergency, and that I needed to call. I figured someone was in the hospital. But it was much worse. My cousin, Mason, who I didn't know all too well, had died in a hit and run. That was it for me. I cried. I knew that at that moment I was unable to make it back, and my mom said it was okay, because she didn't know when the funeral was going to be anyway. So there I am. At home. Alone. (Cole was still sleeping) Thinking that this guys who was a literal day younger than I, who had gone through so much crap in his life was just gone. I knew where he was because I know God's plan for us, but it was still weird. And it was terrible how it happened. I cried every time I thought about it for the next  2 days, but I was able to get back to normal life.

A few short weeks later I get a text from my mom saying that my uncle Charles is in the hospital from a heart attack, and to keep him in my prayers. I had received the text hours earlier, but I only looked at it once I was at the gym at 0530 helping Cole prep for his PT test. As I read this I had gotten another message from my mother to call. Since there was WiFi in the gym I figured I would FaceTime. She asked if I had gotten the messaged, and told me that Charles had passed. Now I have a lot of really good memories with Charles, I would say we were close as I was with any other uncle I had. I lost it. Right there in the gym. I collapsed on the track. Crying into the phone. The more details my mom gave me the worse the crying became. All I could think about were his wife and kids. Also how none of this made any sense. I found Cole, and scared Dennis (Cole's supervisor/ Physical Trainer). And we went home. Tears would not stop flowing from my eyes. I felt like I needed to find a way back for the funeral. But alas, tickets were crazy expensive, and was unable to. Which of course only made me cry more that I could not be there to support my family. I tried to contact my brother Kevin to see if he would go. But he didn't. It was rough. I remember when I first saw Charles. I was younger, like younger than 9. I had gotten up in the early morning to get a drink. When upon passing the living room saw a strange man slunk over the couch. I got my drink and returned to bed. Later learning it was Charles. I remember staying up though the night playing LOTR Risk with him, my uncle John, and my brother Kevin. So I decided that whole week, since I couldn't be there for my family, I would watch all the extended editions of the Lord of the Rings, and the Hobbit. It helped.

I have been having a hard time recently with something that has been a burden for a while. My older brother doesn't talk to anyone in this family anymore. There is a lot of back story that I won't go into, but it has been on my mind. A LOT. My emotions go up and down. Ranging from hatred to having no malice. I know families can be difficult, but I can't imagine just throwing them away. It would go against all I know, that families can be together forever. And that is what I want. A forever family.

Life has gotten betterish. We just got back from London which was awesome! For my birthday which the actual day was really...empty feeling. I felt at that moment that I had been forgotten about. The friends which I thought I had said nothing (I did remind everyone like a bunch), but I didn't even get anything from my siblings. Look I get life is busy, but you can send a text. (That was for my siblings.) London was awesome, you will soon see in an upcoming blog.

So yeah, as I look back at this post I realize I am ranting. But it was much needed, and I feel better.
Reminder: I don't need sympathy or advice. You can feel free to comment, but I may not respond.

Thanks for listening if you're out there.